Armed and Fearless

As I have lost weight, my body has changed in various ways.  While it’s fun and exciting to see myself shrinking, the fact is that some areas will bear the marks of my extremely overweight days long after I reach my goal.  When you start out where I did, it’s pretty much inevitable, so it’s just something I’m learning to live with.  One of the more prominent areas where I deal with this is in my upper arms.

As a woman (who now has so many new shopping avenues available to me), I’m finding so many summer dresses and tops I really like that are very cute, but sleeveless.  While the size of my arms has gone down considerably, I still have a great deal of toning work to do, but even with that, I’ll probably always have some loose skin left there, and  I’ve been pretty self-conscious about it.  So, for every sleeveless garment I’ve bought, I’ve also got a jacket or sweater to go over it and cover up my arms. 

This past week, as the temperatures have soared from the high 70s into the 90s (hello summer!), the last thing I’ve wanted to wear is multiple layers.  When I got dressed for church last Sunday, I put on a sleeveless top and instinctively grabbed a jacket, then became very upset over feeling so bad about the way my arms look and feeling like I have to cover them all the time.  After an encouraging conversation with my husband, I ended up spending part of the day with the jacket off, bare, flabby arms and all, and you know what?  The world didn’t end over it.  No one stopped and stared and pointed at the lady with the under-arm flaps.  No one laughed at me or asked why I dared to show off my not-so-perfect biceps.  I wore a sleeveless top…and it was okay…

Here’s the reality of it…if we’re honest enough to admit it, we all have areas about our bodies we feel insecure about.  Wait, can I say that again with a little more emphasis?  We ALL have areas about our bodies we feel insecure about or would like to change in some way!  There’s just no getting around it.  There may be some pudge here, or some flab there.  Maybe we’re not as buff and built, or as slim and trim as we used to be or would like to be.  Face it, we’re human and time and gravity do a work on us! 

What I’ve learned this week, however, is that while I’m working to improve my strength and muscle tone as I continue to lose weight, it’s okay to be real.  It’s okay to accept that this is me, where I’m at today.  I’m not as good as I will be, but I’m sure better than I was!  That measure of self-acceptance comes along with a heaping dose of peacefulness and contentment, and I’ll take that any day!

So, if you see me fearlessly baring my imperfect arms this summer, just know this, I’m thankful for the strong arms that God has given me!  These arms help me express myself in worship as I raise them in praise.  These arms have gone around the shoulders of hurting people to extend comfort in times of need.  These arms have carried my babies close to me and held them for hours of rocking.  These arms embrace my husband and hug my children and other loved ones.  They may not be perfect, or sculpted, or beautiful, but they’re mine and they have served me well.  While I strive to make them better, I’m going to do my best not to complain and grumble about the way they look any more.

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(Just a reminder/disclosure…I am not a medical professional or certified trainer, so anything I write in this blog is not intended to be taken as advice, guidance, or recommendations.  It is simply a journal of my own personal experiences.  Thanks!)

Out of the Picture

This past weekend, I took a new photo to mark my weight loss progress.  So far, I have lost 161 pounds, and I was wearing a new outfit, so I thought it was a great time for a photo!  I’ve put it next to a “before” photo just to show the differences in the two.  In the before photo, taken in October 2009, I was wearing an outfit in a size 36.  In my newest photo, my dress is a size 18, and my jacket is a 14/16!  Ahhhh!!!  That means, from my largest, at a size 36, I have now come down 9 dress sizes to an 18.  That, my friends, feels pretty amazing!

As I was pulling out my before photo file today, I ended up looking through several albums I have stored online, and came to the realization that I don’t have a whole lot of “before” photos to choose from.  For almost every event, be it birthdays, Christmas, vacations, etc., there are only one or two photos of me, which I call the token “yes, mom was there” photos, and in those,  I almost always either have my children standing in front of me, or they’re head-and-shoulders-only shots. 

I mentioned in a previous post that being extremely overweight causes a lot of emotional baggage, in various ways.  I believe this is a great example of that fact.  At my highest weight, I did my best to always be the one behind the camera.  I have, literally, thousands of photos of my children, but only a handful that include me.  And then, I used to go through and delete many of the photos I was actually in (from when someone else would grab my camera) from off the camera before even uploading them to the computer.  I didn’t want to leave a photographic trail of myself for anyone to look back on and remember what I looked like.

You see, at my largest size, I struggled in two ways with being unseen.  First, I often felt overlooked, with my accomplishments and abilities often being ignored or passed by because of being so overweight.  At the same time, however, when you’re really big, the last thing you want is for anyone or anything to draw unnecessary attention to you.  So, you do your best to stay in the background, even though you’re longing to be part of whatever is going on.  So, both literally and figuratively, you’re out of the picture and going through an emotional tug-of-war over it.

As the weight continues to come off, I’m working through these issues.  I’m no longer afraid to have my picture taken, and I am learning to not be afraid of stepping out anymore.  A few years from now, when I look back through photos, I believe my albums will be filled with pictures that show me having the time of my life! 

 

DON’T FORGET:

I would love for you to check out my Facebook page and to Like it while you're there.  Just click this link to go directly to the page (you'll have to log on to Like it) and then don't forget to hover over the Like button and check the box for "show in news feed" so that you don't miss any of the posts:

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(Just a reminder/disclosure…I am not a medical professional or certified trainer, so anything I write in this blog is not intended to be taken as advice, guidance, or recommendations.  It is simply a journal of my own personal experiences.  Thanks!)

Why Wait?

Having spent my entire life as an overweight person (seriously, I was way too heavy for my age even as a toddler!), I always knew that I needed to do something to get my eating habits under control.  An entry from my journal when I was 13 said, “I am going to start watching what I eat and get skinny…” The following day, my next entry expresses clearly that I didn’t know how to do that, and had failed miserably when I wrote, “Mama made macaroni and cheese with little smokies for dinner tonight.  I ate a whole plate of macaroni and 6 sausages and then had seconds.  Guess I’ll always be fat.”  While I can remember ALWAYS wanting to be thinner, it took me until I was 39 years old to actually DO something about it.

Knowing and doing can be worlds apart…but they don’t have to be!  I knew I had reached my all-time highest weight back in June 2011 long before I ever got on the scale because I was wearing the biggest clothes I had ever owned.  No one had to tell me that I needed to make some healthy changes.  No one reaches a size 34/36 without realizing that they are huge and have some issues they need to address!  I had decided that I was going to start implementing changes right after my 39^th birthday passed and start fresh at the beginning of the next month, on July 1^st.  On June 16^th, however, I was out shopping and found a great scale on sale that had one of the highest weight limits I had ever seen available for a personal home scale, so I went ahead and bought it in preparation for my big day on the 1^st.  I also downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my phone that morning so I could play around with it and learn how to use it properly. 

While trying to get everything set up for a day in the future I had tagged as my “start date”, the combination of tracking the calories of the food I ate that day, along with setting up my new scale and facing the truth of how much I actually weighed caused me to forget about waiting until July 1^st.  I immediately began weighing and tracking daily, and I have continued to do so diligently for the more than 500 days since then. 

It is easy to say you need to do something to improve your health, be it losing weight, making better nutritional choices, beginning a workout program, or something else, but if you convince yourself that you’ll start it on Monday, next week, next month, or with a New Year’s resolution, then chances are, you’ll lose the drive and motivation, or talk yourself out of it, and never start. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through the last 17 months is to identify the changes that need to be made, and then don’t hesitate, just make them!  The ideal time is now, because if you wait for the perfect time, excuses will get in the way and that perfect time will never come.

My motto now is, “Why wait?”

So…What are you waiting for???

(Just a reminder/disclosure…I am not a medical professional or certified trainer, so anything I write in this blog is not intended to be taken as advice, guidance, or recommendations.  It is simply a journal of my own personal experiences.  Thanks!)

A Happy and Successful Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! 

For the last few years, my sister, my sister-in-law, and I have taken turns doing the cooking and hosting of the three major winter celebration holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day.  It makes it easier on everyone to only host one big meal, and we all really enjoy the one we each do.  My sister-in-law does Thanksgiving dinner at her house, which really helped me stay on track this weekend.  I didn't do any of the cooking, which meant no temptations to sample the goodies while they were being prepared, and it also meant no leftovers staring at me from my fridge the next day.  I call that a win-win situation! 

I had planned a few weeks ago to allow myself to go up to maintenance calories instead of my loss level on Thanksgiving Day, because 1300 calories was just not enough for a holiday!  I stayed true to my plan, and had a healthy breakfast, followed by some turkey, dressing, and mashed potatoes, and had lots of good veggies like green beans (plain, not a casserole!), steamed broccoli, and carrots, and topped it all off with a small slice of pumpkin pie for our big lunch.  At dinner/leftovers time, I had a little more turkey and a spoonful of pasta and called it a day!  I was full and content, but did not overeat or make myself miserable as I admit I have done in years past.

My favorite part of the day came after lunch.  Before we began eating, my sister-in-law asked each of us to go around the table taking turns offering the prayer and giving thanks for whatever was on our heart.  Our boys didn't want to participate, and we didn't force them to.  After the meal, I could not resist the urge to get up and move!  I decided to go out for a long walk around the neighborhood, and the boys gladly came with me.  As we walked, I suggested we play the "thanks game" and each take turns saying things we were thankful for and why, and they were so excited to play, that their lists were endless!  We walked and talked for 30 minutes, covering 1.5 miles (distance recorded thanks to my mapping app I actually remembered to turn on when we started), and we were still naming things as we finished the walk.  Some of the things the boys named were pretty deep considering they're only 6 and 7, while others were just plain fun!  Some of my favorites included:

Thankful for toys, because they keep us from being bored
Thankful for Jesus dying on the cross to forgive us
Thankful for shoes, so we don't hurt our feet when we're outside
Thankful that Daddy didn't die when he was sick and in the hospital
Thankful for our family, so we don't have to be alone
Thankful for candy, because our mouths like it
Thankful for our dog, Happy, because we love him
Thankful for sunshine, because it feels good on our skin
Thankful for crayons because we like all the different colors God made for us

The rest of the weekend was spent doing things like putting up the Christmas tree, watching movies, doing a little Christmas shopping (I skipped the Black Friday crazy hours and still got everything on my list quickly and easily and without the shopping drama!), and just hanging out together.  Beautiful days, indeed!

Oh...by the way...I also got to move DOWN a size in my jeans this weekend!  There's a certain brand and style that I really like, and when I caught them on a fantastic sale a couple of months ago, I bought 3 pair in each of the next 4 sizes down.  It was a great deal, and that way, I've got the smaller sizes on hand for inspiration, and am also ready for when the time comes that I lose enough to fit into each of them.  Two weeks ago, I tried on the next size down, and couldn't get them over my hips.  This weekend, not only did they fit, they fit well enough I wore them for our annual family photo with Santa!  Being confident enough in a garment to wear it purposely for a photo says a lot for me! 

All in all, it truly was a happy and successful Thanksgiving!

Shopping Adventures

Shopping for clothes has always been something I've enjoyed...well, to a certain extent.  I love seeing the new styles and fashions for each season, and I love having and wearing clothes that make me feel good about myself.  When you're wearing sizes at the top end of the plus sized lines at the specialty stores, however, shopping seems to lose some of its appeal.  When you're in very large sizes, shopping can become more of a frustration than a pleasure when you try on piece after piece, only to have it be too small, or just not look right due to your body shape. 

Can I have a brief soapbox moment?  I must say that I really don't appreciate the trend that goes on in the catalogs for most of the exclusively plus-sized clothing companies where they use models who are probably wearing a size 6 or 8 to show their garments.  In my personal opinion, I think there are a couple of reasons why this happens.  One possible explanation is that showing the clothes on women without weight issues convinces overweight women to buy the clothes, because it makes them think they're going to look like the women in the photos when they wear it.  I can assure you that a woman who wears a size 18, 24, or 32 will not look the same in an outfit as a woman who wears it in a size 8.  Case in point...I tried on a sweater dress in a store recently that looked very cute on the model in an advertisement I had seen.  My conclusion?  Whoever made that particular style of sweater dress for a plus-sized woman apparently never saw a plus-sized woman actually wear it!  Not flattering in any way!  Another possible explanation may be that, for the most part, our society doesn't tend to recognize plus-sized women as being as beautiful, or as marketable, as their smaller sized counterparts.  Sad, but unfortunately true. 

Okay, stepping off the soapbox now...

With my weight loss, shopping has become a bit more interesting.  For my birthday back in June, I was given a gift card to an upscale department store.  While I was appreciative of the gift, I didn't think I could use it to buy any clothes there.  My first reaction was that perhaps I could find some accessories, or shoes (because I can ALWAYS buy shoes!!!), because surely nothing would fit me in their clothing department.  All I've known for most of my life has been shopping at one or two exclusively plus sized stores and from a couple of catalogs. 

On a whim, I decided to go into the women's section and take a look around.  It's interesting though, how being overweight can cause a person to feel like they just don't belong in certain places.  I felt like I had somehow snuck in and someone would discover me and throw me out.  While I was looking through the racks, I kept feeling like a store clerk would come up to me at any minute and say something like, "Are you looking for a gift for someone else?"  Because, surely, I couldn't be shopping there for myself...or could I???  Imagine my delight when I realized that I could actually wear their garments!  Honestly, I was a little bit overwhelmed by it.  I stood in the fitting room, looking at myself wearing an adorable dress I had seen on a mannequin, and broke into tears right there in front of the mirror. 

Since that day, I 've been back a couple of times and had fun trying on different outfits and experimenting with different styles I've never been able to wear before.  The sweetest victory in it?  The pieces I bought in that first shopping trip there are now way too big for me and I just took them to the consignment store last week to re-sell them and I'm ready to move down another size!

Down 141.1 Pounds with Comparison Photos

As of today, I’m down 141.1 pounds!  I have just 83.9 pounds left to lose until I reach my goal!

I realized that today I am wearing an outfit very similar (although several sizes smaller) to one I wore in one of my early weight loss photos.  I guess, no matter what size I am, I’m comfortable in a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt!  Anyway, I thought I’d post some quick side-by-side comparison photos! 

Changing Sizes

So much has changed in the last 16 months…I have lost over 135 pounds.  I look at the number on the scale and see the drastic difference.  I log my daily weight into a spreadsheet and I see the downward trend that has continued over the months.  The changes I’ve experienced come in so many practical, every day ways.  For instance…

- I have greatly improved mobility, flexibility, strength, and endurance.  Here at 40 years old, I feel far better than I did at 30. 

- I see photos of myself and can’t help but notice that I look younger and healthier.  I’m not afraid of having my picture taken anymore, and am having fun snapping a new picture with every 5 or 10 pounds I lose.

- After our recent travels I realized that I’m no longer someone who eats candy bars or chips from the gas station at every stop, or gets fast food on the road while traveling.  Instead, I’m someone who books her hotel rooms based on which hotel has the best fitness center and carries fruit and healthy snacks from home. 

I am not yet at my goal weight, but I realize how far I’ve come.  I know I’ve lost, as several people have said to me, “an entire person” with the amount of weight I’ve lost so far, but when I shop for clothes, I still have trouble getting my mind around my shrinking size…

I just took several of my winter coats from years past into the consignment store last weekend to sell them.  They all ranged from a women’s size 3X (26/28) to a women’s size 5X (34/36).  As I pulled each of them out of the closet, I laughed when I tried them all on, one by one, seeing if any of them still fit.  Each and every one of them was way too big for me and there’s no way any of them would work for this winter!

After dropping off the coats and picking up a check from some of the other clothes the consignment store had recently sold for me, I decided to go shopping for a new coat.  I found a beautiful, bright blue one that I loved, and grabbed one to try on.  Now, keep in mind, in my life, I’ve always had to look for the largest sizes available and hope for the best.  I knew that the size 3X coats I had just gotten rid of were too big, so I got a size 2X and wondered if it could possibly fit, and was completely shocked when it was too big!  I picked up a size 1X (18/20) and snickered to myself that there’s no way it was going to fit…but it did, and perfectly!  I guess I still couldn’t believe it though, because I switched back and forth between the 2X and 1X three more times, trying them both on, looking into the mirror, and comparing the way they each fit.  I’m still shaking my head and surprised that the 1X was the best choice and the one I ended up buying!

Goodness, I know that some women would shudder at the thought of being a size 18/20 and think that’s huge, but when you’ve come down from where I started from, it is reason to celebrate!  What’s even more fun, is I know that next year at this time, my beautiful blue size 1X coat will be too big and headed to the consignment store rack!

Feeling great in a size 1X!!!

Cleaning Closets

Well, I did it!  On Saturday, I took a HUGE load of my now-too-big clothes to the consignment store.  I’ve been telling myself I would do this for a while now, but my schedule has just been so crazy between family, work, school, and church that I just hadn’t been able to get an appointment set to take everything in until this past weekend.  And boy, did I take a bunch of stuff in on Saturday…117 hanger’s worth to be exact!  I would have taken more, but that’s all I could squeeze into my little car.  I’ve already got a second appointment set up for this Thursday evening to take in the rest, and I’ve probably got just as much, if not more, that I’ll be taking in then in the second load.

It’s interesting, because the owner of the shop told me that she normally limits consignors to 25 pieces at a time to bring in, but because of the sizes of the clothing I was bringing in, she would let me bring in everything I had at once.  She said that she gets calls regularly from ladies looking for these sizes, but that she never has anything in stock to sell to them.  She said she’s never really had a consignor bring in much in these sizes before, so she was excited to get them in and to let her customers know they were available.

While I’m happy at the thought of selling all of these clothes at decent prices and without the hassle of a yard sale, (and hopefully, quickly!) it really got me thinking…Buying clothes in the sizes I used to need was really difficult, and I can understand why most women of that size don’t consign their items.  It’s because, typically, they’re not going to let go of a piece once they find it in their size!  If an event comes up that requires a certain article of clothing, a large plus-sized woman can’t just run out to the mall or department store and pick something up or run from store to store until they find the perfect garment.  At the size I wore a year ago, there were only 2 local stores I could walk in to in an attempt to buy clothes.  And with that, most of the things in one of those stores didn’t even come in large enough sizes and I could only buy from there once in a while.  So if I needed something and the one store didn’t have it, I was probably in trouble.  There are a couple of catalogues I occasionally ordered from, but then I had to pay extra for shipping, wait for it to arrive, and hope I ordered the right size, which was always a gamble. 

As I was at home preparing and sorting the second batch of clothes to take into the shop, I started to feel a little stressed over it.  A random though popped into my mind as I put a favorite shirt into the pile, “What will I do if I need to wear this and now it’s gone?  Am I making a mistake selling these clothes?”  That’s where I stopped myself in my thoughts with a startling realization.  I can get rid of these things because I will NEVER need them again!  They don’t fit me anymore, nor will they ever!  This isn’t some passing fad or temporary thing that I’m doing.  I’ve made (and continue making) changes that are going to affect the rest of my life and it feels great!

I have one last closet to sort through tonight, and once those things are out, the only clothes I will still own are the new, smaller ones I’ve bought in the last couple of weeks that actually fit me now instead of being so big they were falling off, like my old ones had been recently doing (although some of the newer ones are starting to get a little big already!).  I’ve also got a few random costume pieces I have from various theatrical productions I’ve been in, and my wedding dress.  (Oh, and a couple of bins of large winter clothes I can’t consign until the fall season). Lastly, I saved back three pieces, a pair of blue jeans, a shirt, and a pair of sweat pants that were all in the biggest size I had reached.  One of these days, when I reach my ultimate goal, I’ll have some fun taking photos of my “then” and “now” clothes, and maybe we’ll stuff my whole family into one leg of my old jeans or something like that!  In the meanwhile, I may not have arrived yet, but I’m definitely on my way!

Shopping Victory

February is over, and I’m happy to report that I lost 15.2 pounds in the first two months of 2012.  I would have liked it to have been more, but when you’re losing weight, the tendency is to ALWAYS want it to have been more than whatever it actually was for any given period of time! I’m working hard and have a goal of reaching the major milestone of the 100 pounds lost mark sometime in May and feel great about my progress towards that goal.

Let me share another milestone...

As long as I can ever remember, I’ve always had to purchase my clothes from exclusively “plus-sized” stores.  Even as a 12-year-old, my mom was buying my clothes from a shop back home in Michigan that was called “14/16 Plus” (not something you want to admit, especially at that age!).  For my entire adult life, I’ve been limited to two stores, and a couple of mail-order catalogs to find my size.  The plus sized sections of most regular stores didn't even carry my size.  When you’re someone who loves cute clothes like I do, it’s awful to be so limited in your choices!

A couple of weeks ago, I got the wild idea to try ordering a pair of jeans from Old Navy.  While they don’t carry larger sizes in their stores, they do have their own plus-sized line available through their website.  The avid shopper I am, I got carried away and ordered not just the pair of jeans, but also a denim skirt as well, fully believing that they would arrive and not even be close to fitting, and I would have to put them away and try them on again after I lose a lot more weight.  To my great surprise, the jeans fit beautifully, and after the few pounds I’ve lost since they arrived, they’re starting to feel a bit loose in the waist already!  The skirt though…WAY TOO BIG!!!  I’ve actually had to send it back to exchange it for a smaller size! 

Now, being excited that a skirt is too big may seem silly to most people, but for me, it felt like a huge victory!  Just to be able to shop at a “regular” store (albeit through their plus-sized line), is something I’ve never been able to do before, and feels ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!  I can’t wait to make it out of the plus-sizes altogether so that I can walk into any store I want to shop in, and the best thing is, I know that day is coming!