Getting Past the Fear

I mentioned in a previous post that I’ve recently joined a gym.  As I’ve lost weight, I promised myself that when I reached 100 pounds lost, I would look to join some kind of fitness center.  I recognize the importance of exercise, and the need to strengthen and tone as I continue moving forward in my progress.  A couple of weeks ago, around the time I hit the 97 pound mark, I received a flyer in my mail from a local gym that was offering incentives for women to join their new women’s fitness program.  I figured I was close enough to my first big goal to go ahead and check it out.

I felt great about signing up and taking out my membership with the gym!  I was confident going in to my first meeting with the trainer that this was the right program for me and that it had come along at the perfect time.  My first workout with the trainer went really well, as he walked me through the weight training machines I was to start with and gave me instructions about the cardio work I was to do.  That first meeting was on a Saturday, early afternoon, and the gym was relatively empty, so I wasn’t the least bit stressed about any of it, and was excited to really get going with it.

Two days later, on Monday, I pulled into the gym parking lot after work, around 4:30pm and gasped when I saw around 40-50 cars in the parking lot!  My only reservation about joining a gym was facing my greatest workout fear…exercising in a packed, co-ed gym…and that was what I was about to walk in to, on my very first workout without my trainer!

I sat in the car for a few minutes debating whether I would even go in or not.  I seriously contemplated just going home and coming back early the next morning before work instead, hoping it would be less crowded then.  I prayed for the courage to get past my fear, took a deep breath and headed in.  I rationalized that I could always leave if I couldn’t handle it.

Although I’m supposed to do my weight training first, there were several people already in the circuit area, so instead, I hopped onto a treadmill to do cardio.  While I was on the treadmill for 30 minutes, I realized that more and more people were coming in as it passed 5pm and folks were getting off of work.  I kept telling myself that I would just leave when I finished the treadmill and I’d skip the weight training for the day.  Out of curiosity, I went back to the circuit area one more time before I left to see if there was any chance it had cleared out any, and instead, not only were there more people back there, but there was also a class going on next to that area as well.

That was the moment where I knew I was at a crossroad and my decision would affect the way I approached the gym from then on.  I forced myself to go ahead and do my weight training, and to not pay any attention to anyone else around me.  By the time I finished, I felt victorious!  Not only was I satisfied with my workout, but even more, I faced my fear, pushed past it, and won!  In the two weeks since then, I have looked forward to every visit to the gym, and actually found myself smiling and greeting other people I see there regularly.  Intimidation is a thing of the past!

We all face fears.  Experiencing fear isn’t wrong; it’s going to happen from time to time.  It’s what you do with that fear that is important.  You can choose to let your fears paralyze you and rob you of an experience, or of your joy, or of your peace of mind…or of your future.  Or, you can choose to find the irrationalities that are embedded in each fear, counter them with the truth, and find success.  Sometimes, the things you push yourself to do, despite your fears, lead you to your greatest accomplishments!

Dropping Sizes...in My Fingers?

Just a funny little tidbit today...

As far as genetics go, I inherited my mother's thin wrists and long, skinny fingers.  I've often said through the years, that if only my body were proportionate to the size of my fingers and wrists, I'd be at the ideal weight!  When my husband and I got married almost 10 years ago, I was about 30 pounds heavier than I am right now, and my ring size was still only a 5 3/4.  Even as I reached my highest weight last June (which was 70 pounds heavier than when I got married), I never had any trouble wearing my rings.  My fingers, apparently, didn't get much bigger and my rings never got the least bit tight on me. 

As I've lost weight, however, my fingers have shrunk, which is not something I expected to happen! I came to this realization back at Christmas.  I was at a party with my hands laying in my lap when I heard a "clink" as my wedding rings literally dropped off my hand onto the floor!  While I was surprised, it felt like a victorious moment for me because suddenly, I felt like I was really making progress in my weight loss.  Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I was doing some business at the bank and as I stood up from the desk to leave, my rings went flying off, landing about 10 feet away from me on the floor in the bank lobby!  The look on the bank representative's face was priceless!  I guess people don't come in and throw diamonds around the room too often!

So, last night, I gave in and took my rings to a local jeweler to have them sized down.  The sales associate helping me convinced me I should go down a half size to a 5 1/4, but I really thought a 5 would have been better.  Guess what?  Wearing them today, they're still too big!  They keep flopping around and the setting keeps sliding down until it's under my hand instead of on top where it belongs.  So, it looks like I'm heading back to the jeweler for another sizing, down to a 5.  I should have went with my gut instincts on it after all!

One of these days...my body is going to finally be in proportion with my fingers, and I am going to celebrate!

Drop the Excuses and DO IT!

If you read my last post, you saw that a medicine I took for a recent bout of respiratory illness caused some fluid retention and a temporary water-weight gain.  Well, thankfully, it has righted itself just as quickly as it began!  Since seeing the doctor on Thursday, the water weight is now gone, and my total weight loss is now up to 98.7 pounds (my loss tracker in the blog sidebar always rounds up once I pass each ½ pound and I believe in full-disclosure!).  Reaching the 100-pounds lost mark is so close!

A quick little encouraging tidbit I had this week...After being sick with the sinus infection and strep recently, and the water-issue with the two antibiotics and steroid dose pack, I told my primary care doctor that I had just joined a gym for the next phase of my weight loss.  Well, my primary care physician sent me to a cardiologist for clearance for exercise (which I got with no problem). Get ready for the cool part...

BOTH the primary doc and the cardiologist wanted to know in detail what I was doing to lose the weight I've lost in the last 11 months! All I've done, until joining the gym last week, was change my food habits and track what I eat in my food journal. My primary doc was very encouraging, cheering me on and telling me that the changes I've made in my eating and attitude are what it takes to be successful to reach my goals and maintain it for the rest of my life. The cardiologist said he wished that more of his patients would institute similar changes themselves and was very encouraging to me as well.

When you're on the brink of losing 100 pounds, but know you've got a lot more work to do to reach your final goal, it can be frustrating at times, but encouragement like that is a great motivator to keep on going!

That being said, I just want to you know that if you’re also trying to lose weight, be it 20 pounds or 200 pounds...you really CAN do this! No matter where you're at, or where you've come from in your struggles with food and weight loss, if you get honest with yourself and truly make the commitment to your well-being, you CAN get on the road to a healthier, smaller you!

I've been heavy my ENTIRE life, I'm about to turn 40, I have a CRAZY schedule (wife, mom, full-time employee at an investment firm, have two young sons under 8, serve as a pastor, and am in college working on my psychology degree), and I've found ways to make this work for my life. To do so, I've had to face every excuse I've ever made...you know the ones, like these:

"I'm so busy, I just don't have time right now"
"I'll do this when my kids get older"
"It's okay, I may be big but at least I don't have any health issues because of my weight"
"A lot of my extended family is overweight so it just runs in my family and I can't do anything about it"
"Healthy food is SO expensive"

“I’ve always been heavy, so I’m just meant to be this way”

“It’s what’s on the inside that matters, so why should I worry about my weight?”
"I don't want to eat boring, bland, diet food"

On and on the list goes...I finally had to say, ENOUGH! I was the only one who could make these changes in my life, and through a lot of prayers for strength and for getting my mind in the right place and to change my habits, I closed my eyes and jumped into the deep end of this thing and haven't looked back.

So, if you're working to reach your own goals, I applaud you, congratulate you, and want to encourage you to keep moving forward and celebrating each step you take that moves you closer to your goals!

Heading to the Gym

I have officially joined a gym! 

When I started this journey towards a healthy lifestyle and weight loss in June 2011, I did a bit of exercise on my own with video programs, but I only did that for the first few weeks.  Since then, I’ve had a few random days where I got outside and walked some, but haven’t really committed to any regular exercise until now.  There have been a couple of reasons for this…

My relationship with food has been skewed my entire life.  While my mom worked hard to make sure our family had meals on the table every day when I was growing up, almost everything she prepared was either canned or processed.  There were very few natural foods included in our meals and little cooking from scratch.  Consequently, I never really learned how to cook either.  Opening and heating really isn’t cooking!  Growing up like that also develops a tendency to continue gravitating towards those foods as an adult.  In addition, it became very easy for me to just “grab something” from a fast-food restaurant most days (often, more than once a day!) and blame it on my hectic schedule and lack of time to do anything else.  I have finally quit kidding myself and now recognize that a fast-food grilled chicken sandwich with a leaf of wilted lettuce thrown on it does not count as a healthy choice!

Over the last 11 months, I’ve had to redirect all of my food choices.  Before I could jump headfirst into an exercise schedule, I had to get my food issues straight first.  It would have done me no good whatsoever to head into a gym several times a week, only to run through a drive-through on the way home!  When I think back to the things I used to eat, sometimes I really can’t believe I used to put that junk into my body!  By getting my eating habits corrected first, I’ve avoided the trap of feeling like I can overeat or indulge just because I worked out.  I'm not working out so that I have an excuse to eat poorly.  I'm working out to tone and strengthen my body and to reach the point where I am lean and healthy.  Eating junk defeats the purpose!

In getting my food issues straightened out, I’ve developed a love for so many really healthy foods, and I’ve found that I truly prefer natural, whole foods.  I find myself craving things like salmon, watermelon, and broccoli, and cringing when I see someone eating a burger and fries.  Other people can eat it if they want it, but I just can’t even stomach the thought of it anymore.

I also think that I had to prove something to myself where food was concerned.  I had to lose the first 100 pounds or so through changes in my food only.  By doing so, it proved to me, once and for all, the effect that my food choices have on my body.  Because of that, I’ll never look back. 

Losing as much as I have through food choices only has also given me the confidence to know that I can do this!  When I walk into the gym, it’s with the knowledge that I am already successful, and working out is just going to help propel me further.  I don’t have to feel intimidated or out of place in the gym because I know how far I’ve already come. 

I have actually found myself excited about going to the gym…well, I wasn’t too excited on the day of my first full workout, but I’ll save that story for another post!

11 Months and Counting

I have recently passed my official 11-month weight-loss anniversary.  The stats were as follows:

            Month 11 Loss - 6.2 pounds
           
            Grand total Lost - 92.80 pounds

This particular weigh-in is a bit skewed however…I’ve been cranking along really well this month, and had actually lost a total of 11 pounds for the month and a grand total of 97.4 pounds altogether until the last few days, where I’ve had a wacky, and temporary, water-weight gain.  Let me explain…

My oldest son was kind enough to share his case of strep throat with me about 2 weeks ago.  While he got better quickly (thankfully!), for me, the strep turned into a very nasty sinus infection and case of bronchitis.  Three prescriptions and two weeks later, and I’m finally about over the junk, but one of the medicines I was taking caused a 5-pound increase in my weight over the course of 4 days.  AAAHHHHH!!! 

The medicine made me retain so much fluid so fast that I could hear my heartbeat whooshing in my ears, I had a terrible headache I couldn't shake, and my feet were swelling something terrible.  After visits to two doctors and them running a few tests yesterday, they discovered the culprit was one of the meds and not something to be concerned about, and gave me something to counteract it.  Since I don’t take any kind of regular medications on a daily basis normally, I’ve had more in the last couple of weeks than I typically have in a year!  I'm ready to be done with meds!

I know the fluid gain from the medicine was only a temporary thing.  Considering I’m only eating 1,500 – 1,600 calories per day, it would be impossible to be a true weight gain.  As of this morning, I’ve already shed 2 pounds since yesterday, so I should be back on track within another day or so. 

I’m looking forward to crossing the 100-pounds-lost threshold any day now!

Cleaning Closets

Well, I did it!  On Saturday, I took a HUGE load of my now-too-big clothes to the consignment store.  I’ve been telling myself I would do this for a while now, but my schedule has just been so crazy between family, work, school, and church that I just hadn’t been able to get an appointment set to take everything in until this past weekend.  And boy, did I take a bunch of stuff in on Saturday…117 hanger’s worth to be exact!  I would have taken more, but that’s all I could squeeze into my little car.  I’ve already got a second appointment set up for this Thursday evening to take in the rest, and I’ve probably got just as much, if not more, that I’ll be taking in then in the second load.

It’s interesting, because the owner of the shop told me that she normally limits consignors to 25 pieces at a time to bring in, but because of the sizes of the clothing I was bringing in, she would let me bring in everything I had at once.  She said that she gets calls regularly from ladies looking for these sizes, but that she never has anything in stock to sell to them.  She said she’s never really had a consignor bring in much in these sizes before, so she was excited to get them in and to let her customers know they were available.

While I’m happy at the thought of selling all of these clothes at decent prices and without the hassle of a yard sale, (and hopefully, quickly!) it really got me thinking…Buying clothes in the sizes I used to need was really difficult, and I can understand why most women of that size don’t consign their items.  It’s because, typically, they’re not going to let go of a piece once they find it in their size!  If an event comes up that requires a certain article of clothing, a large plus-sized woman can’t just run out to the mall or department store and pick something up or run from store to store until they find the perfect garment.  At the size I wore a year ago, there were only 2 local stores I could walk in to in an attempt to buy clothes.  And with that, most of the things in one of those stores didn’t even come in large enough sizes and I could only buy from there once in a while.  So if I needed something and the one store didn’t have it, I was probably in trouble.  There are a couple of catalogues I occasionally ordered from, but then I had to pay extra for shipping, wait for it to arrive, and hope I ordered the right size, which was always a gamble. 

As I was at home preparing and sorting the second batch of clothes to take into the shop, I started to feel a little stressed over it.  A random though popped into my mind as I put a favorite shirt into the pile, “What will I do if I need to wear this and now it’s gone?  Am I making a mistake selling these clothes?”  That’s where I stopped myself in my thoughts with a startling realization.  I can get rid of these things because I will NEVER need them again!  They don’t fit me anymore, nor will they ever!  This isn’t some passing fad or temporary thing that I’m doing.  I’ve made (and continue making) changes that are going to affect the rest of my life and it feels great!

I have one last closet to sort through tonight, and once those things are out, the only clothes I will still own are the new, smaller ones I’ve bought in the last couple of weeks that actually fit me now instead of being so big they were falling off, like my old ones had been recently doing (although some of the newer ones are starting to get a little big already!).  I’ve also got a few random costume pieces I have from various theatrical productions I’ve been in, and my wedding dress.  (Oh, and a couple of bins of large winter clothes I can’t consign until the fall season). Lastly, I saved back three pieces, a pair of blue jeans, a shirt, and a pair of sweat pants that were all in the biggest size I had reached.  One of these days, when I reach my ultimate goal, I’ll have some fun taking photos of my “then” and “now” clothes, and maybe we’ll stuff my whole family into one leg of my old jeans or something like that!  In the meanwhile, I may not have arrived yet, but I’m definitely on my way!

So...What do I eat?

I’ve talked quite a bit on this blog about the philosophy I’ve taken with my eating habits during my weight loss journey, but to this point, haven’t discussed, in detail what it is I’m actually eating these days.  Someone asked me recently, “So…what DO you eat?”  I thought I’d share a bit about it today!

Since I’m pretty new to this whole blogging thing and don’t know the rules about mentioning name brands (can I do that?) for now, I’ll stick to generalities.  If you want specific brand name information, email me at polytospan@gmail.com and I’ll be glad to tell you more.

First things first, as I’ve said before, I use a website and its mobile app to track my calories on a daily basis.  It takes approximately 5 minutes a day to keep up with, and truly, has been key to my success.  Tracking, along with measuring and making sure I’m actually eating the appropriate sized servings, is what has made all the difference for me.  I have a measuring cup and a cheap digital food scale at home, and a measuring cup in my desk drawer at work.  That’s the extent of my weight loss gadgets and gizmos or accessories!

I entered my height, starting weight, age and gender into the tracking app when I first began, along with my goal of losing 2 pounds per week, and it calculated the total number of calories I needed to eat per day to reach that goal.  It also gave me targets for things like fat, carbs, sodium, protein, cholesterol, etc.  Honestly, I haven’t focused on trying to reach the nutrient goals, because the food choices I’ve made within the calorie goal automatically makes me reach the nutrient goals.

When I first began, I was eating around 2,200 calories per day.  With each 10-pound weight loss, the app would reset my goals and my calorie allotment would go down according to my new weight.  As of today, my goal is 1,610 calories per day.  Because the calorie goal goes down slowly and incrementally, you don’t really notice it and it’s not a big deal.  It’s not like it makes you decrease by 500 calories overnight!

A sample of what I might eat in a day now, taken from my actual food journal looks like this:

BREAKFAST

1.5 cups multigrain cereal 165 calories

1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk 35 calories

2 clementines 70 calories

SNACK

½ cup diced peaches 35 calories

1 cup blueberries 80 calories

LUNCH

2 slices high fiber multigrain bread 70 calories

1 wedge light cheese wedge 35 calories

6 slices deli turkey 50 calories

15 chips, baked potato chips 120 calories

2 tablespoons hummus 70 calories

SNACK

4oz. high fiber blueberry yogurt 50 calories

1 cup raw broccoli 25 calories

DINNER

6 oz. boneless pork loin 210 calories

1 cup broccoli 25 calories

½ cup corn 75 calories

½ cup roasted garlic mashed potatoes 120 calories

1 slice high fiber multigrain bread 35 calories

mixed greens side salad with cheese, croutons, tomatoes, cucumbers 110 calories

2 tablespoons fat-free dressing 45 calories

SNACK

1 serving drizzled popcorn pack 120 calories

TOTAL 1545 calories for the day

So, there you have it!  I eat all day long, as you can see, so it keeps me from ever feeling like I’m deprived or overly hungry.  It keeps my metabolism running smoothly and constantly, without overdoing it any one meal.  Our family also eats out a lot, so I'll address restaurants in another post some other day.

I’m eating real food, regular food, but in the correct serving sizes, and with attention to the choices I make.  Yes, I love broccoli and blueberries, and eat LOTS of them regularly, but I also couldn’t imagine life without bread or mashed potatoes!  I’ve simply found better options and healthier ways of preparing the things I really enjoy and have them in moderation.  I get to eat the same foods as the rest of my family, and we’re all healthier as a result.  I can live with that!

Caught in the Current

In the 10 months since I began my weight loss journey, I’ve been asked several times what it is I’m doing to lose the weight.  When I respond that I’m counting calories and keeping a food journal (which takes all of 5 minutes a day to facilitate), along with making better choices about what and how much I eat, most people have been hesitant to believe that is “all” I’m doing. 

(Yes, I did exercise a couple times a week for the first couple of months, and I’ve had the sporadic day or two here or there that I’ve done a little walking, but to this point, I have not engaged in any kind of regular exercise routine or committed to a workout schedule.  I need to, and I will.  I just haven’t gotten that worked into my schedule the way I’d like to just yet.  That’s my next mountain to conquer…)

Anyway…what I most often encounter is people asking me if I’ve tried some popular fad diet plan or the other, like:

           

            Have I used this meal-replacement plan?

            Did I drop a particular food type?

            Have I joined an accountability club? 

            Did my doctor prescribe something to help me? 

            Have I heard about that new appetite suppressant? 

            Am I doing the plan they talked about on that recent television show?

            You're only eating (fill in the blank) salads/protein/low-fat, etc. right?

The list goes on and on, but the honest answer to all the questions is a resounding “NO!” 

Yes, I have seen all the ads (read: mostly sensationalized hype!) and even personally known people who have experienced a measure of fast results from using these kinds of products and services.  At the end of the day though, here’s the real question…if you choose this route, is it something you can live with for the rest of your life?  For some people, the answer is a modified "yes" because they find their own way of incorporating these tools into their world and it works for them.  As long as it's a healthy choice in doing so, I'm all for it.  For other people, these things can be successfully used for a short period of time as a tool or quickstart before transitioning over to something more long term, and that's great as well. 

The truth is, however, for most people and most of the “get skinny quick” options, they are simply not sustainable over the long haul.  So many people that use them end up gaining back all they lost and then some and people find themselves utterly disappointed when they discontinue using them and the weight creeps back up.  Most of these programs don’t teach you how to go to birthday parties and fellowship dinners.  They don’t take into account holidays and anniversaries and other special occasions.  They don’t help you find ways to cook meals that your entire family can (and will) eat together each day, or what the best choice is when you go to a restaurant.  They don’t enable you to build the knowledge and resources it takes to succeed with life-long, successful weight loss that will carry you through every bite you take for the rest of your life. 

There is a flood of weight-loss options out there today, but for me, I’ve realized that I can’t let myself get swept away in the pull of the current.  Sometimes, it can sound tempting.  After all, if you’re trying hard to lose weight, who wouldn’t want to lose several pounds in just a few days, or melt away belly flab overnight???  But the reality is that I have to stick with the basic concepts of eating the right foods in the right amounts every day.  I’m working to reverse almost 40 years of poor eating habits, and I can’t get that in a pill, or powder and it doesn't happen overnight.  I can’t rely on a temporary formula to cause a permanent change.  I must do this, one bite at a time!

Months 9 and 10 Progress Updates

I just passed my 10-month mark and I realized that I never posted an update last month, so here are the recent stats:

            At my 9-month weigh-in, I had lost a total of 79.6 pounds, which included 5.5 pounds for the month.

           

            At my 10-month weigh-in, I had lost a grand total of 85.9 pounds, which was 6.6 pounds for the month.

           

            I have lost 26.2 pounds so far during calendar year 2012

            I have lost a grand total of 88.8 pounds

There you have it!

Walking and Laughing

When I first began my weight loss journey last June, right out of the gate I began working out 3 - 4 times per week.  I started with a Biggest Loser program for the Wii, doing everything from boxing to yoga, and then threw in some balance ball work for good measure.  In November, I blew out a hamstring and my exercise came to a screeching halt.  In the last several days, however, I've been trying to motivate myself to get up and moving again.  I've still been eating properly and losing weight steadily, but I know I need to start working on building muscle and improving my overall fitness as I lose.

So, that brings me to today...there is a sidewalk that runs around the outside perimeter of the office building where I work, and it is a bit over 1/10th of a mile to walk one lap (approximately 240 steps for me to make one lap, for those who look at it as steps taken, yes, I've counted!).  I only take 30 minutes for lunch, so I've been trying to take part of that time and go out and walk anywhere from 5 to 10 quick laps every day when it's not raining.  It's not very exciting, but it goes by quick and it's getting the job done and getting me back into the swing of things.

I don't particularly like to listen to music while I work out.  Perhaps it's all the years I spent in marching band throughout high school and college, but I tend to pace myself to the tempo of whatever music is playing rather than keeping up with the speed or intensity I really need to be at during exercise.  As a result, I typically listen to preaching podcasts, audiobooks, or to other speakers while I work out, and walking is no exception. 

Today, I happened to pick one of my new favorites, a humorist named Jeanne Robertson.  With my earbuds plugged in, I was listening to her tell funny stories as she exampled living a life that finds the humor in every situation.  Since it was lunchtime, several people were coming and going around the building, and I noticed I was getting lots of strange looks.  Then, I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the windows, and saw that I was walking around with this huge goofy grin on my face, and realized I had also been laughing out loud as I walked!  Since my hair covers the earbuds, people must have thought I was loopy!  There I was...just walking and laughing, going around...and around...and around the building!

                   "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" Proverbs 17:22

Daddy's Example

Today is the 12-year anniversary of the death of my dad.  When I think back, there is so much emotion tied to my childhood and young adult years where he is concerned, but I will not delve into that here.  Suffice it to say that I am so very thankful that my dad chose to receive Christ into his life a few months before he died, and the knowledge that I’ll spend eternity with him in heaven brings peace and joy to my heart, and I’m thankful for the handful of beautiful memories our family has from the last few months he was alive.

What is pertinent to my weight loss journey and this blog, however, is the terrible relationship my dad had with food, and the example it set for me while I was growing up.  As a young man, my dad was very trim, and so handsome!  Looking at my mom and dad’s wedding photos, he very much resembled Clark Gable when he played the role of Rhett Butler in “Gone With the Wind”.  As the years went by though, my dad became less and less active, all the while eating more and more, and it took a toll on his body.

Never one to eat breakfast, my mom would pack lunches for my dad to carry to work with him, and typically, he wanted nothing more than a sandwich or two and a bag of chips.  When he got home from work is when the real eating would begin.  My mom always prepared large dinner meals, usually consisting of a meat, two or three side dishes (most of which were processed foods), and a salad, and there was always ice cream, donuts, and other sweets around for dessert.  After eating large portions of everything she prepared, along with a 32oz. glass of sweet tea, Daddy would go to their bedroom to watch television before going to sleep.  Within an hour, he would begin snacking, which might consist of an entire package of cookies, or a whole box of cereal.  Another of his regular snacks was a jar of peanut butter mixed with a jar of jelly, eaten with either a half loaf of bread or a half box of crackers, and another 32oz. glass of milk.  Sometimes he would have more than one of these enormous snacks in the same evening.

Every so often, my dad would bounce to the other extreme with his eating patterns.  He would decide that he had put on too much weight, and he would get angry about it.  He would blame my mother, saying that she wasn’t cooking healthy meals for our family, and demand that she only fix him salads with cottage cheese for lunch and for dinner.  Mama would comply, but within a day or two, Daddy was eating his salads during the day, and would revert back to his snacks at night, and before you knew it, he’d want to return to the regular meals Mama had always made and the cycle would begin all over again.

I can honestly say that I loved my dad dearly, but I don’t ever want to be like him where food is concerned.  I don’t know what he weighed when he died, but if I had to guess, I would say he had to have been in the 400-500 pound range.  He was 54 years old and died from a massive heart attack that just very well may have been prevented if he had lived a healthier lifestyle.  I hate to think of all the things he missed out on…he never got to meet my wonderful husband or walk me down the aisle at our wedding…he never got to be Papaw to my children…he never got to enjoy his retirement years off of work…he never got to know two of my sister’s beautiful children…he never got to fulfill his dream of visiting Ireland…the list goes on and on…

So…one of the reasons why I’ve committed to my own weight loss journey is that I don’t want my life to be characterized by the “I never’s…”  I want to be able to be a great example of a healthy lifestyle for my own children, and to live my life fully, every single day.

I love you Daddy, and I miss you terribly…but I refuse to be like you…

Blueberries or Chocolate?

Every day, I eat within a certain amount of calories which, based on my height and current weight and a few other factors, is supposed to be the right amount for me to lose at a healthy rate of about 2 pounds per week.  That amount is calculated by the food journal app I use on my phone, and so far, it has been extremely accurate.  Having a daily calorie “budget” to work with means that some days are more challenging than others when it comes planning my meals, but more often than not, I usually end the day with anywhere from 100-300 calories that I haven’t eaten by the time dinner is over. 

All that being said, a few days ago, I came to the end of the day and realized I still had almost 500 calories left I hadn’t eaten.  My husband had bought a bag of peanut butter M&M’s, which used to be one of my favorite candies.  Before you think that it was mean of him to even bring them into the house, I’ll tell you that, from the beginning, my weight loss journey has been about learning to live my life by making healthy choices, portion control, and moderation in my relationship with food.  Part of that, is knowing that I cannot isolate myself into a sugar-free world!  I’ll be faced with holidays, birthday parties, and every other celebration and sweet snack-fest imaginable for the rest of my life…and I needed to learn how to eat with balance, instead of abandon, in every situation.  So, I can’t be afraid of sweets being in my house.

Back to the M&M’s…With so many calories left for the day, I decided to have some.  I measured an exact portion (yes, I weighed candy on my food scale!), which would still only use half of the calories I had available.  I sat down to eat them, and after the first two, realized that they just didn’t taste very sweet to me, and I wasn’t really enjoying them like I used to.  The following morning, I grabbed a handful of fresh blueberries at breakfast and had the startling realization that the blueberries tasted much sweeter, and were far more satisfying to me than the candy was the night before! 

Most changes are hard to make, initially.  A year ago, you never could have convinced me that I’d rather have blueberries than chocolate.  I’m sorry to say that, in the past, I was “that person”…you know, the one who couldn’t keep a bag of candy in my desk drawer for an entire day…if I opened it at 8am, it would be empty by 3pm, with nothing to show for it but a pile of empty wrappers and another pound added to my hips.  But today, little more than 8 months later, I’m a completely different person than I was back then.  It’s not that I have to make myself stay away from the junk food anymore, I just really don’t even want it these days. 

Throughout these last several months, one of my prayers has been something along the lines of, “Lord, help me to change my eating habits.  I want to make good choices that are healthy for my body and pleasing to You.”  I believe He has answered my prayer and that God is truly helping me make the changes I could not possibly make on my own.  For that, I am most thankful!

“O taste and see that the LORD is good…” Psalm 34:8

Shopping Victory

February is over, and I’m happy to report that I lost 15.2 pounds in the first two months of 2012.  I would have liked it to have been more, but when you’re losing weight, the tendency is to ALWAYS want it to have been more than whatever it actually was for any given period of time! I’m working hard and have a goal of reaching the major milestone of the 100 pounds lost mark sometime in May and feel great about my progress towards that goal.

Let me share another milestone...

As long as I can ever remember, I’ve always had to purchase my clothes from exclusively “plus-sized” stores.  Even as a 12-year-old, my mom was buying my clothes from a shop back home in Michigan that was called “14/16 Plus” (not something you want to admit, especially at that age!).  For my entire adult life, I’ve been limited to two stores, and a couple of mail-order catalogs to find my size.  The plus sized sections of most regular stores didn't even carry my size.  When you’re someone who loves cute clothes like I do, it’s awful to be so limited in your choices!

A couple of weeks ago, I got the wild idea to try ordering a pair of jeans from Old Navy.  While they don’t carry larger sizes in their stores, they do have their own plus-sized line available through their website.  The avid shopper I am, I got carried away and ordered not just the pair of jeans, but also a denim skirt as well, fully believing that they would arrive and not even be close to fitting, and I would have to put them away and try them on again after I lose a lot more weight.  To my great surprise, the jeans fit beautifully, and after the few pounds I’ve lost since they arrived, they’re starting to feel a bit loose in the waist already!  The skirt though…WAY TOO BIG!!!  I’ve actually had to send it back to exchange it for a smaller size! 

Now, being excited that a skirt is too big may seem silly to most people, but for me, it felt like a huge victory!  Just to be able to shop at a “regular” store (albeit through their plus-sized line), is something I’ve never been able to do before, and feels ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!  I can’t wait to make it out of the plus-sizes altogether so that I can walk into any store I want to shop in, and the best thing is, I know that day is coming!

Cheerleaders

I have passed the 75 pounds lost milestone!  I should have posted a few days ago to celebrate, but have been so busy, I haven’t had a chance.  I am currently at a total loss of 77.8 pounds, as of this morning.  That 100 pound mark will be here before I know it!

As I continue to lose weight, I’m finding people’s reactions to be interesting.  A few snippets:

Back when I was at the 63 pounds lost mark, I went to new doctor, and as he was reviewing the nurses notes and doing his intake assessment, he looked at the notes, then up at me, then back to his notes, then looked at me and asked, “You’ve LOST 63 pounds???” The tone in his voice and the look on his face said he thought the nurse had written it down wrong and that it was more likely that I had GAINED the weight, instead of losing it.  I responded saying, “YES!  I have LOST the weight…”  He replied, “Oh, okay.  I wasn’t sure if I had read that right…”

On the flip side…

I went for a visit to my regular primary care physician’s office right around the 70 pounds lost mark, and the nurse was so excited when she read the number on the scale.  She then asked me how in the world I was doing it, and proceeded to write down everything I told her, saying that I looked wonderful and that she needed to do whatever I was doing!

On another occasion…

I attended an event recently, and a good friend came by my table and asked me how much I had lost.  At that point, it was 74 pounds.  She was very encouraging to me about it, and as she walked away, I felt great about myself!  Another person at the table, however, looked me up and down, raised an eyebrow, and said, “74 pounds?  Really???” With a look that clearly stated that she didn’t believe I had lost weight.

I guess I share all of that, to say, that the realization I’ve had is this…

Not everyone is going to be my cheerleader…and I’m okay with that!

Weight loss is something very personal.  And, while some people may notice the changes I’m experiencing and comment positively, others may not.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter what others may think, because I’m doing this, first and foremost, to be obedient to the things I believe God has spoken to me.  I’m also doing this to become healthier and to beat the odds that my extended family has established and experienced in the past.  I’ve been blessed to be very healthy to this point, and that’s the way I want to keep it as I get older.  I want to be able to be active with my family, and in the ministry, and I don’t want to be hindered by illness or mobility issues.  Those are just a few of the reasons for me to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle.

Even though everyone I encounter certainly won’t care about my journey, I’ve been blessed with a handful of close friends who are such an encouragement to me, and those are the voices I have chosen to allow to speak into my life.  To each of you, I say a huge THANK YOU!!! 

8 Months – 74.1 pounds

I have just crossed the 8-month mark in my journey.  During the month, I lost 6.8 pounds, which brings me to a grand total 74.1 pounds so far.  I’m happy with my progress, but I would have liked to have crossed the 75-pound mark this month.  It’s so close!

In the last few days, I think that I have caught some kind of mental “second wind” so to speak.  When I started on this path, I set several goals for myself.  I’ve been trying to focus on these smaller, “mini-goals” to keep myself encouraged and motivated along the way.  It has been good to feel the sense of accomplishment that has come every so often with reaching those levels.  They have come in different forms.  For instance, while some are specific pounds to lose, others include being able to wear a smaller size jeans, increased endurance while walking longer distances, and getting rid of all of the clothes I had in my closet that were too big. 

From the beginning, however, the number of pounds I need to lose to reach my ultimate goal weight has seemed ridiculous, it’s so large a number, and I’ve had so many times where I doubted that I could ever lose that much.  I want to...I need to…I’m trying to…but I often wondered if I really could?  This week, though, something has changed in me.  For the first time since I began, I really and truly believe that I will reach my ultimate goal.  It doesn’t feel like something I’m just hoping and trying to do, but is something I am actually going to accomplish! 

A good friend sent me an email this morning.  She told me that when our pastors were standing up front at church this past Sunday morning, that when she saw me, at first, she didn’t realize it was me because my face had changed so much with my weight loss.  Her words were a great encouragement to me, and as the day has went on, I’ve been thinking a lot about her statement.  My friend may have been talking about my outward appearance, but when I look inside myself these days, I hardly recognize myself either.  I’ve realized that I’m losing more than just pounds…

Gone are the excuses as to why I got as heavy as I did. 

Gone is the lax attitude I had about gaining weight (I’ve been overweight my entire life, but was shocked to realize that, before I started working on losing weight last June, I had gained, on average, a pound a month for the prior seven years!)

Gone is the girl who would stand in front of the mirror and weep because she was so disgusted with herself. 

Gone is the feeling of helplessness about my weight.

Gone is the fear of failure.

In place of these things, there stands a strong woman.  One who can accomplish much and has no reason to limit herself.  One who now understands that she is not alone.  Her isolation was self-imposed, and she will never return to that place again.  One who knows that her heavenly father cares about every aspect of her life in a whole new way.  One who will live the rest of her life in freedom!

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  Philippians 4:13

7 Months, 67.3 Pounds

Time for a progress update!  As of my month 7 weigh in on 1/17/12, I’ve officially lost 67.3 pounds, which means I lost a total of 6 pounds for the month (because of the date I started, I do my official monthly weigh-in’s on the 17^th of each month).  This has been the lowest monthly loss I’ve had since I started this journey, and while I’m not too pleased with that number, I at least know exactly where it came from and why it wasn’t more.  Basically, From December 8, 2011 through January 4, 2012, I allowed myself extra calories for the holiday season, and during that time, I only lost 1.3 pounds.  Not stellar performance, by far, but I held my ground, and I guess that’s the point of a maintenance phase!  On January 5, 2012, I returned to eating at a loss level, and as of this morning, I’ve lost 5.1 pounds in the last 13 days.  Now, that feels more like it!

On a fun note…I spent several hours this past weekend cleaning out my closets, and although that normally seems like a chore, it was fun seeing how many things just don’t fit anymore because they’re way too big!  Admittedly, I am a “clothes-a-holic” although I will note that I’m also the queen of clearance shopping and typically don’t pay anywhere near full price for anything.  I may shop a lot, but I don’t spend a lot, so my husband doesn’t roll his eyes at me too much when I come home with something new.  J 

It’s interesting, the emotional connection we can develop to certain clothing items.  As I pulled each garment out of my closet, I thought of times I had worn each one…the dress I left the church in after our reception when my husband and I got married…the jacket I wore when I sang with our church worship team and we did a live video recording for our TV broadcast…the outfit I put together for a job interview…a beautiful sequined black dress I wore to a Christmas party…the list goes on and on (I have a big closet!) Anyway, while I did keep my wedding dress and my get-away dress for sentimental reasons, there was something incredibly refreshing about pulling out all those other things.  This is a new season in my life, and while I have wonderful memories of the past, I’m ready to embrace the future…while wearing a much smaller size!

Now, I just need to find a way to sell what I don’t need any more.  I’ve given away about half of what I had, and am hopeful to sell the other half to generate some funds for new purchases as I lose and continue to need smaller sizes.  I’ve got a lot…like 10-12 large plastic totes full.  I’d love to sell them all in one lot, since it’s a complete year-round wardrobe, and don’t really want to hassle with a consignment shop or yard sale.  Feel free to leave me a comment if you have any suggestions!

One Pound at at TIme

Just a quick post to say how excited I was when I stepped onto the scale this morning!  After spending the last two weeks in "maintenance mode" and allowing myself a few extra calories per day over the holidays, I re-set my daily intake back to my loss level on Tuesday.  In the last two days since then, I've lost 1.1 pounds.  What makes that feel even better, is that loss is off of my pre-holiday weight.  I didn't gain anything over the holidays, so I'm not having to make up any lost ground.  Yippeee!!  63.7 pounds in total now and I'm ready to hit it hard in this new year!

The Pit of Comparison

Last night I sat down to watch the premiere of the new run of "The Biggest Loser" on TV.  Of all the many years this particular show has been on, I've only watched one or two seasons of it.  With as busy as my schedule tends to be, I just don't have the ability to watch any show on a regular basis, but that's not the only reason.  If I'm truthful with myself, another reason I haven't watched it in the past is because I had a hard time watching other people do what I longed to do myself, but had not done, which was lose weight. 

When I decided to watch the show yesterday, I approached it from a different perspective.  I thought that maybe I could learn a few things about various approaches to working out and pick up some pointers.  Or maybe I would feel encouraged, because I am working my own path to fitness, and maybe some contestant's story would ring similar to my own.  Instead, however, I experienced something I was not prepared for...as each of the contestants weighed in, I started comparing myself to each of them.  What was their starting weight?  What was my starting weight compared to theirs?  Was I really as big when I started as they look on TV at their starting point?  On and on it went, and by the end of the show, I was starting to feel depressed and felt like I had not accomplished much, if anything, in the last six months because they had lost so much in just one week (never mind the fact that they are secluded away with their only responsibilities being to work out and learn to eat right, alongside of professional trainers and unrestricted gym access!!!)

Wow!  What a mind trap that is brought on when you start comparing yourself to others!  I had to stop and re-focus myself before I let my thoughts take me too far.  When it comes to weight loss (and many, many other things in life, for that matter), you just cannot compare your progress with anyone else.  Each person's journey is as different and unique as each different body.  The foods and food habits I struggle with and am learning to overcome are different from other people's.  In addition, I had to reach a certain place in my own life before I was ready to committ to the changes that are necessary to bring my body into a healthy place, and each person has to do that themselves, in their own way.  No one can force it on anyone else, just like no one can expect their body to react the exact same way as anyone else's. 

Going forward, I refuse to make comparisons any more.  I will cheer for the accomplishments of others, and will not let their victories steal away my own!

6 Months and 61.3 Pounds Lighter!

Well, I'm almost two weeks late in putting up a 6-month post, but here it is!  I'm not really sure that anyone actually still reads my blog or not, seeing that my posts have become few and far between, but in any event, it will make for a good journal for myself to look back on, if nothing else.  :)

At my 6-month mark, I had lost a total of 61.3 pounds, and most of the time, I'm pretty happy about that.  Sometimes, though, when I look at how much more I still need to lose before reaching my ultimate goal, it can be very easy to get discouraged.  Isn't that how our big goals can get though?  So often, people are excited and motivated at the beginning of a journey, but then (as one pastor I heard called it) you find yourself trudging through "the valley of in-between" and things can go awry if you're not careful.  This is the place where the hard work really happens, and as a result, it's also the place that most people give up.  It's here that the new-ness of beginning the adventure has faded, but the finish line isn't yet in sight.  It's the place where I've had to stop and look and remind myself that I'll never get past the 100-pounds-lost mark if I don't make it past 60, 70, 80, and 90 first.  And that means that I have to do what I know is the best thing for my body, no matter what.

That being said, I'm happy to be able to say that the Christmas holiday season and it's selection of tempting treats has not gotten the best of me.  I purposely made the decision ahead of time that I would increase my daily calorie allowance for the last few days to put myself at a maintenance level, instead of a loss level.  It was the best way for me to be able to approach the parties, dinners, and events with a sense of balance.  I've still faithfully logged every bite I've eaten into my food journal to make sure I stay on track, and as I've stepped onto the scale each morning, I've experienced a great feeling of accomplishment.  I've eaten a couple of the cookies my boys made, enjoyed Christmas dinner and eating out with family and friends, and will have a piece of my son's birthday cake this weekend, all without guilt, and without adding any pounds.  In fact, I've still even lost a little during this time anyway!  In my opinion, that equals success!

As I prepare to return my daily caloric intake to loss levels again on Sunday, I look forward to launching into 2012 with the confidence of knowing that I will reach the 100-pounds-lost mark and beyond in this new year!  I CAN and WILL do this!

5 Months & 53 Pounds!

Well, I crossed the five month mark this week, and have lost a total of 53 pounds so far!  I'm thankful for the progress, and have set a mini-goal of losing at least another 10-12 pounds by the end of the year. 

If I'm honest about it, the past month has held its share of frustrations on this journey.  I managed to blow out a hamstring about two weeks ago, and while I'm recovering pretty well and walking without the crutches now, I'm still experiencing a great deal of pain in and behind my knee that has sidelined my aroebic exercise until it heals.  Maybe I just need to see it as a good opportunity to pull the balance ball back out and do some core strength training! 

The last few weeks have been pretty emotional for me.  I'm at the point where I've lost, what many people would say is a lot of weight.  I mean, I've lost more than my 5-year-old son weighs, and that's pretty exciting and makes me feel good about my accomplishments so far!  But at the same time, I have SO far still to go.  And that seems daunting some days.  I guess that's why I continually think of this as a journey.  There are no shortcuts.  It requires putting one foot in front of the other every single day, and one of these days, maybe even before I know it, I'll reach my goal, look back, and realize it was worth the trip!